Finally!!!
POSTED AT 06:00 AM

AHA! After 3 years! I finally get to post something here again!

At long last, my awaited moment has come... or rather, it came yesterday...well, actually, by this time, the day prior to yesterday.

Fine! 2 days ago! (Last Sunday?! lol )

There is so much in my head right now that I’m not sure where I’d want to begin. Let's try starting about my so called "high" right now... I'm finally getting married. But it's suppose to be a secret.... so sush and hush-up if you read this... haha! Now see this, as far as I know, the only people that knows me here is.... err... I think most of them has gone. Knowing the timeframe that I’ve been inactive. So I think I’m safe to do my rant and raves here.. Yahooo!

Why is it a secret? Coz we're not even sure how to go about it! bwahaha!! To think I’m a wedding planner. I don’t even know how to handle my own event. Crazy ain't it?

Now, one great factor why it's a secret. Because for some reason, I’m not sure I want to go through with it. I've waited for this all my life. I've been with him for almost 3 years and I’ve planned to spend the rest of my life with him. But now, I’m not so sure. Scaredy cat right? I've always be complacent that I can always jump out of the relationship when I get tired of things and that I’ll always have my family to back me up when I do so. I was ready to grow old alone. An old maiden.

Deep inside I know that I do want to be with him. I do love him. But we’re not perfect, we’re all but human. And so is my love for him, it ain’t perfect, but I’m quite certain about it. I can see myself growing old with him too. Silly isn’t it?! Confused even, you might say. But this is the problem. I am aware that there will always be two sides of the coin. There will always be the ‘other’ side of things. And the saddest part of it is, I see ‘em both. I am both excited to spend forever with him and scared sh!t that I’m gonna be tied up with the person that I’ve chosen.

Fact remains true still. The greater part of me wants to be with him. Not because I’m incomplete without him (or rather that he completes me). Not because he’s the father of my child. Not because he finances me. Not because he’s become a habit. It’s because I WANT him to be there with me. Amongst all the men I’ve been with, could’ve been with. I choose him. Coz he’s kind of guy I’ve always wanted to be with, if not exactly. The mere smell of his skin relaxes me and whenever I look at his face there’s this peace I feel within. I know this is all too cheesy but, there’s a sense of belongingness in his arms that captures me.

But.. but, but, but… there’s still a part of me that questions the whole thing.

I know I’m suppose to be ecstatically happy...but for some reason, I’m not...God help me.